Father Wounds
The original blogger was gracious enough to share her space with me and allow me this opportunity to post as a guest-blogger on here.
I've heard a lot about father wounds. I could see them and their effects on people around me throughout high school and college. It always made me thankful for the loving parents I've been blessed to be surrounded and supported by.
However, my relationship with my father first became a little strained when I hit puberty. Once I got over the thrill of riding 4-wheelers, going down to the farm, and hunting, we didn't have much in common anymore. I wanted to be close to town, hang out with other kids my age, and be pretty. I could tell when he started to realize his little girl was growing up. He didn't like it. He would set rules and limits and hear no rationale for adjusting them. He's not very open to the opinions of others, especially when it flies in the face of his. With me being just like him and thinking my opinions were just as valuable, this never went too well. I tried working for him, and with me being the only person there who didn't walk on eggshells for him, there was friction there as well.
When I went to college and immersed myself in the things of God, there was even more distance between us. We were still in contact, and he still graciously supported me emotionally and financially, but there was distance...unspoken distance. I began to resent the fact that he didn't buy into church and Biblical things to the degree I thought he ought. He began to resent me as a judgmental bigot that stood as one of the main reasons he wasn't that invested in church. He thinks the Church is full of hypocrites. And it is, depending on how you look at it. That's still no valid excuse for not pursuing holiness.
The overlying issue here is actually the one that runs the deepest. I love my father, and I know that he loves me. However, I have never rested in a feeling of unconditional acceptance in our relationship. There have even been times when I felt like he wouldn't LIKE me if I weren't his daughter. Just today, I realized how much of my insecurity and inadequacy about relationships this encompassed. Always I have had trouble grasping the unconditional acceptance from God. I have never given that to myself, and I'm not sure I have accepted that from many individuals. Definitely not in hardly any relationships with males. I have known for a while that I needed to learn to truly love myself. I haven't gotten to the other side of that mountain yet.
But now there's a new one. I don't understand the unconditional acceptance of a man. I can't understand it from God, and I've never felt it completely or maybe not consistently from my father. I haven't really given it, either. Great. We're all handicapped.
I just needed to get this out. Blogger host, thank you for allowing me the opportunity.
The original blogger was gracious enough to share her space with me and allow me this opportunity to post as a guest-blogger on here.
I've heard a lot about father wounds. I could see them and their effects on people around me throughout high school and college. It always made me thankful for the loving parents I've been blessed to be surrounded and supported by.
However, my relationship with my father first became a little strained when I hit puberty. Once I got over the thrill of riding 4-wheelers, going down to the farm, and hunting, we didn't have much in common anymore. I wanted to be close to town, hang out with other kids my age, and be pretty. I could tell when he started to realize his little girl was growing up. He didn't like it. He would set rules and limits and hear no rationale for adjusting them. He's not very open to the opinions of others, especially when it flies in the face of his. With me being just like him and thinking my opinions were just as valuable, this never went too well. I tried working for him, and with me being the only person there who didn't walk on eggshells for him, there was friction there as well.
When I went to college and immersed myself in the things of God, there was even more distance between us. We were still in contact, and he still graciously supported me emotionally and financially, but there was distance...unspoken distance. I began to resent the fact that he didn't buy into church and Biblical things to the degree I thought he ought. He began to resent me as a judgmental bigot that stood as one of the main reasons he wasn't that invested in church. He thinks the Church is full of hypocrites. And it is, depending on how you look at it. That's still no valid excuse for not pursuing holiness.
The overlying issue here is actually the one that runs the deepest. I love my father, and I know that he loves me. However, I have never rested in a feeling of unconditional acceptance in our relationship. There have even been times when I felt like he wouldn't LIKE me if I weren't his daughter. Just today, I realized how much of my insecurity and inadequacy about relationships this encompassed. Always I have had trouble grasping the unconditional acceptance from God. I have never given that to myself, and I'm not sure I have accepted that from many individuals. Definitely not in hardly any relationships with males. I have known for a while that I needed to learn to truly love myself. I haven't gotten to the other side of that mountain yet.
But now there's a new one. I don't understand the unconditional acceptance of a man. I can't understand it from God, and I've never felt it completely or maybe not consistently from my father. I haven't really given it, either. Great. We're all handicapped.
I just needed to get this out. Blogger host, thank you for allowing me the opportunity.
posted by Rage at 10:42 PM
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