Blessed

I wrote that previous blog, felt really sorry for myself, came home, got in the word and was totally blessed. I was reading Romans 4 over and over because it wasn't sticking. Then I read verse 17 about 6 times because it wasn't sticking.

The God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.

Not that these series of events line up at all but...

As my guest blogger has written, several of my closest friends, including myself, have dad issues. I spoke with my guest blogger tonight about this topic actually. The way we view our dads reflects how we view any type of "male" relationship and definitely reflects in how we relate to the Lord.

This week is the anniversary of my dad's passing. It is always a hard week for me. At first I didn't think it would get me because I had a bit of a grieving period over Christmas so I thought I was done for the year. I very much feel healed from my father's passing but it is never easy just the same. It is a day I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
On top of that, I have felt some distance with the Lord this weekend.
Not to mention the "guy" that I love talking to has been on a trip and not able to talk.
Strike 3...totally bummed
Then tonight, as I'm reading that verse over and over, my phone rings and it's Greg. This may be the first time (with the exception of Christmas break when he was at the grocery and called to see if I needed anything) that his name has popped up on my phone. Usually I talk to mom and she will pass the phone off to him or he will answer her phone. Tonight he called just to say he loves me and he is proud of me. He felt "challenged" to do that for me tonight. I do see that a relationship with me is a bit of a challenge because it is an awkward relationship of sorts. It is so much easier for him to call Amanda or Jay and tell them he loves them and is proud of them. They expect him to do that. I expect Mom to do that for me and assume Greg feels the same way and this process works. But tonight, he needed to say it and I needed to hear it. There is something about a girl that wants the men in her life to feel proud of her.

Greg asked me what I was doing. I told him I was reading my bible. He was so proud of that. To be honest, it was Greg who taught me to read my bible. Every night growing up, we gathered as a family, Greg would read from the bible and we would all say a prayer. At the time we hated this ritual. It was the worst part of the day. Looking back now, it was that disciple that has instilled in me a desire to end my day with the Lord.

I am so blessed!

Promises

Right now, I feel very unsettled...maybe even discouraged. It's hard for me to pinpoint the source of these feelings and really, that is irrelevant. What is relevant is a solution. In order for me to be fulfilled, I must find some promises and claim them with all I've got.

"So do not fear, I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

"My grace IS sufficient for you you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'"

Guest Blogger

To my precious guest blogger...it's a process. It is a hard, unfortunate process and I'm sorry that you have to be in it. Thank you for being candid. It's hard to do but teaches us all a little something. Thanks!

Father Wounds

The original blogger was gracious enough to share her space with me and allow me this opportunity to post as a guest-blogger on here.

I've heard a lot about father wounds. I could see them and their effects on people around me throughout high school and college. It always made me thankful for the loving parents I've been blessed to be surrounded and supported by.

However, my relationship with my father first became a little strained when I hit puberty. Once I got over the thrill of riding 4-wheelers, going down to the farm, and hunting, we didn't have much in common anymore. I wanted to be close to town, hang out with other kids my age, and be pretty. I could tell when he started to realize his little girl was growing up. He didn't like it. He would set rules and limits and hear no rationale for adjusting them. He's not very open to the opinions of others, especially when it flies in the face of his. With me being just like him and thinking my opinions were just as valuable, this never went too well. I tried working for him, and with me being the only person there who didn't walk on eggshells for him, there was friction there as well.

When I went to college and immersed myself in the things of God, there was even more distance between us. We were still in contact, and he still graciously supported me emotionally and financially, but there was distance...unspoken distance. I began to resent the fact that he didn't buy into church and Biblical things to the degree I thought he ought. He began to resent me as a judgmental bigot that stood as one of the main reasons he wasn't that invested in church. He thinks the Church is full of hypocrites. And it is, depending on how you look at it. That's still no valid excuse for not pursuing holiness.

The overlying issue here is actually the one that runs the deepest. I love my father, and I know that he loves me. However, I have never rested in a feeling of unconditional acceptance in our relationship. There have even been times when I felt like he wouldn't LIKE me if I weren't his daughter. Just today, I realized how much of my insecurity and inadequacy about relationships this encompassed. Always I have had trouble grasping the unconditional acceptance from God. I have never given that to myself, and I'm not sure I have accepted that from many individuals. Definitely not in hardly any relationships with males. I have known for a while that I needed to learn to truly love myself. I haven't gotten to the other side of that mountain yet.

But now there's a new one. I don't understand the unconditional acceptance of a man. I can't understand it from God, and I've never felt it completely or maybe not consistently from my father. I haven't really given it, either. Great. We're all handicapped.

I just needed to get this out. Blogger host, thank you for allowing me the opportunity.

It's Been a While

Why? No good reason except I don't have much to say. I have officially accepted a job with Crossings Ministries in Louisville, told my boss, arranged my exit date and I'm off. It's crazy to think about changing my life again. I started to think about it last night and it made me a little sad. I am ready to be closer to people I love but I have made some pretty substantial relationship here as well. Even thinking about saying goodbye to the service provider guys here at Eastern makes me sad. Of course, they all say, "why would you leave us?" That makes it harder. It seems like every year or so I have uprooted and replanted and to tell you the truth, I'm tired from it. I am blessed beyond what I can imagine to have this job opportunity. It's not even a job...it's a passion really. I'm so excited!

This Morning

I have to tell about my morning, it was so hilarious to me. Got up at the crack of dawn to do a little exercising but all morning I felt a little off. It took me longer to get ready than normal, I was all over the place, etc. So I'm all ready to leave for work and I grab all of my things...purse, bag of goodies, my lunch and my cup of coffee. As I'm walking down the step, I have inadvertently turned my hand which is holding my coffee cup and I pour the entire cup down my bag of goodies. So I'm smearing coffee all over the place tyring to clean it up. I pour my coffee into a travel mug and finally get into the car. As I'm driving I finally realize that I have been sipping out of the wrong end of the cup and it has poured all down the front of me. AHH! So now I'm halfway to work, my entire life is covered in coffee and I'm realizing that I am taking a friend to dinner after work and he is meeting me there so I won't be able to change. What is a girl to do? I am at a stand still on the interstate, snow falling so heavily all around me, I don't have heat in my car because some jerk decided to steal my CD player and take my heat with him, and I'm covered head to toe in winter garb and coffee. So I do what anyone would do, I CRANK up Pat Benatar's "We Belong." This is the kind of song that requires you to beat your steering wheel as you sing at the top of your lungs. So I'm singing and beating, all bundled up and the I realize...every car on every side is staring at me. And well they should be, I look ridiculous. However, I did make it to work with a big ole smile on my face and I have been laughing ever since. Thank you dunkin donuts coffee mug and thank you Pat Benatar!

The Picture of Dorian Gray

I have been reading like a mad woman lately. I usually go in spurts like this. I'll get in "movie watching move" or "book reading mode." I received several books from my family, some of which I would have picked out myself, some not so much, however, I feel like it owe it to them to read them all. So on Saturday and part of Sunday I read a book by Kim Edwards called The Memory Keepers Daughter. It was about a doctor who delivers his wife's twin babies one snowy night only to find that one of them has a deformity. He immediately send the child off with the nurse to be sent to an institution without his wife knowing. The nurse can't bring herself to leave the child so she runs away and takes the baby with her. I realize this all sounds pretty hokey and I was leery at first. The most interesting part of it is how keeping this secret is also driving an irreplaceable wedge in his marriage and with his relationship with his son. It is definitely worth a Saturday afternoon sit down.

Sunday and part of yesterday I read Lucy by Jamaica Kincaid. This is a story of an Au pair who moves in with a family of six to watch the kids. Throughout the book, Lucy is able to compare, dismiss, and draw her own conclusive ideals based on the premise that the family she's working for are not perfect as originally thought. Kincaid has an addictive style about her. I read this book out loud because it flowed so beautifully. There were moments where I was able to step outside of myself and hear the words as if it were someone else speaking them. *Some sexuality so beware* My favorite part from this book are when Lucy sees the Mother Maria do something particular for example, not eat her dinner because she doesn't like the taste or to throw a shirt out because she doesn't like the look anymore. Lucy, being from an impoverished society, would always say, "how does one become like that?" Well said!

Finally, I began The Picture of Dorian Gray last night and must say, I am most excited about this book. Evidently it is the only book Oscar Wilde ever wrote, will go down in history as the "last work of classic Gothic horror fiction" This is very strong language but basically, a very beautiful man sells his soul to the devil in a way to control his own physical beauty. It is a reminder of how each act thereafter affects his soul. Here is an expert,

"I know he likes me. Of course I flatter him dreadfully. I find a strange pleasure in saying things to him that I know I shall be sorry for having said. As a rule, he is charming to me, and we sit in the studio and talk of a thousand thing. Now and then, however, he is horribly thoughtless, and seems to take a real delight in giving me pain. Then I feel, that I have given away my soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer's day."

And another...

"I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvellous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. When I leave town now I never tell my people where I am going. If I did, I would lose all my pleasure. It is a silly habit, I daresay, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one's life."

What can I say, I find it profound and beautiful.

JOB

I serioulsy hate my job today. Usually I one...like my job, two...tolerate my job, or tree...ignore my job. Today, I serioulsy hate my job. Hate is so negative...let's say, I would rather eat barbed wire than be sitting at this desk. Okay, that is still a bit harsh. I just would rather be doing something else. My boss has been hovering, my phone is ringing off the hook, there is a huge meeting today and another one tomorrow which means I will be coming in on Saturday. Plus, I had to do my second least favorite task today which is making signs. This is second only to ordering office supplies. The way the office is set up, we don't have a secretary or an administrative assistant so most of that grunt work fall on me, mainly because I'll just do it and not complain but also, they hired me as the "face of the office." If I had known that really meant the "beck-and-call girl" I may have recosidered this job. BLAH! Negative...I'll write more later that is more positive!

AH Yes

Ah yes, it's all coming back to me now. HA! Wow, this little nugget must have had a very profound impact on me. Hopefully it will. So this book that I'm reading has a chapter about prayer. I have just found it very interesting the way that over time and with different denominations, we approach prayer. Okay that is very obscure. What I am saying is that in Jewish tradition, although room is left for spontaneous prayer, the back bone to a prayerful life is through liturgical prayer.

Liturgical=of or characterized by ceremony

So I guess the idea is that a fixed order of prayer and content demands personal commitment to prayer as a discipline. "When you don't have to think all the time about what words you are going to say next, you are free to fully enter into the act of praying; you are free to participate in the life of God."

So I'm thinking about this the other night and trying to process how to insert a bit of "rote" prayer into my life. I start with the Lord's Prayer since really, it is the only example of prayer in the scriptures that I have memorized. Come to think of it, I did have a little trouble with the ...
forgive us our (debts, transgressions, sins) as we have forgiven (our debtors, those who transgressor against us, have sinned against us). See my confusion. Anyway, what I did notice is that you do seem to enter into a tranquil place during this ritual. So I was really excited about this process.
Then, by divine appointment, I turned in my "Devotional Classics" for the day to an excerpt from John Baillie on Morning Prayer. Ironic? Nope...Divine!

He says a different prayer for every day of the week. I LOVE the prayer from Monday so my plan is to memorize it and use it:

Eternal Father of my soul, let my first thought today be of You, let my first impulse be to worship You, let my first speech be Your name, let my first action be to kneel before You in prayer.
For Your Perfect wisdom and perfect goodness;
For the love with which you love mankind;
For the love with which you love me;
For the great and mysterious opportunity of my life;
For the indwelling of Your Spirit in my heart;
For the sevenfold gifts of Your Spirit;
I praise and worship You, O Lord.
Yet let me not, when this morning prayer is said, think my worship ended and spend the day in forgetfulness of You. Rather from these moments of quietness let light go forth, and joy, and power, that will remain with me through all the hours of the day;
Keeping me chaste in thought;
Keeping me temperate and truthful in speech;
Keeping me faithful and diligent in my work;
Keeping me humble in my estimation of myself;
Keeping me honorable and generous in my dealings with others;
Keeping me loyal to every hallowed memory of the past;
Keeping me mindful of my eternal destiny as a child of Yours.
Through Jesus Christ my Lord. Amen

What do you think?